You know you love Writing when....

• Reading is your first love

Yes…… This is one universal truth. In order to be a good writer, one needs to love books, blogs, any piece of paper with information on it. Not only it serves as a source of information but also gives a perspective. So in case you read voraciously and half your closet is filled with books, give writing a try.

• A visit to a bookstore excites you as much as visiting Forever 21 would

• Unintentionally you would scan every status & comment on FB to check grammatical errors & will doubly check your status before posting

• TALKING about feelings does not always work for you, but WRITING does. You let the hand do some talking

• Pen & Paper are your trusted confidant. Even the keyboard & keypad don't seem to be effective when it comes to expressing feelings

• There will be an extensive list of vocabulary you would already have, & it just keeps expanding

• Shopping for a perfect Pen & writing pad never bores you

• When you finish reading other people's blogs, either you end up learning something or you just criticize the style of writing

• You will often find old notes buried between old books that will make you recall exactly how you felt at a point in time, because you have been writing since forever

• BOOKS will be your BFF FOREVER. They will never have a replacement in your life

·         

The Journey!!!

We start out as toddlers, having our Guardians, not knowing things around. We enter our childhood, knowing only innocence around us & nothing else, responding to just that.... We tend to ignore things we do not like & lead a carefree life....

We enter our teens & the world starts changing. New things erupt from nowhere & suddenly everything is complicated. we are in a jiffy, whom to talk to, where to go, what all to understand, whom to trust. People come & go out of our lives, some stay & then all we know from within that Life is a big Compromise! Some bitter realities appear which we hide & develop a fear of being caught up. Suddenly we cannot even show other what we really are, we are afraid or ashamed because of the decisions taken or experiences gone through    when the World had just started showing its cruel side. We start losing our parents & the trauma makes a place within. We become parents wishing to save our children from everything we could not save ourselves from.

We get old & we look back at our years. Years of joy, of pain. Years of sheer jubilance, years of heart breaking disappointment. Years which went by doing justice to everyone, but my own life. Today, I want to be a child again. I have delivered my responsibilities & I want to have a stress free life again. I want those real friends near  & I want tensions away. I just want to have a good time like I used to when I was a child.
I came into this World as a Child..... I wanna put an end to my journey being a Child.......

( A gang of senior citizens laughing out loud in the park gave origin to this post )

Ddddiillliiiiii….Dilli…Diilli….Dilliiiii……Dddiiilllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..….DELHI……

(You can bring that title track of ‘No One Killed Jessica’ in your mind while you read the heading ;0)

Its been a while that I have written. Life has changed drastically after marriage. Leaves you with no time to brood over things happening around or within. So many times wanted to write but thoughts scattered & sadly I just could not put them together.

Finally writing about something that happened just yesterday. I & my friend went to Khan Market & I parked my car in the ‘Free Authorized Parking’. The attendant briskly got the car parked without giving any slip, which even I forgot to ask.

After 3 hours I came back to the parking lot to take away my car. While I was moving it out of my space, the attendant conveniently decided to just watch assuming I need no help, & yes help was not really needed.

As soon as I was almost crossing the barricade, the attendant signaled to stop.

Attendant : Madam paise?

Me: Ye free parking hai na?

Attendant: Toh aise thodi na chale jaoge, aapki car nikal waayi kisne?

Me: Aapne toh nai nikal waayi

Attendant: Koi aur gaadi peeche khadi kar deta toh?

Me: Gaadi nikal waana aapki duty hai. (Stepped on my accelerator)

Attendant: (Shouting, hurling abuses)

This is just one of those incidents which Delhi people have got used to. And people have just 2 options to tackle situations like these, either shell out something extra from your pockets to shut them up or just refuse to give in. I loathe this about my city. People do what ever they want to do, with no sign of remorse or fear. Delhi is ruled by their father??? Hell Yeah!!!!!!

Even an Auto driver……….. As soon as you tell him the location, he proposes a high inflated fare he would charge. Charging by meter is nowhere in the scene only. If in any case you refuse to take the auto, he bargains on what marginal money he will charge, over the meter amount. I many a times have taken the auto paying extra, coz hello Delhi is not safe for Women!!! Rather than just standing on the road & being an eye candy for numerous pervert men, at least girls give into this coercion.

BRIBE – the tool we used to get the work faster & easily, now has backfired, so badly that now one cannot get the work done unless & until he/she offers something extra. Sad state of affairs. How many of us do really do anything about it? We detest numerous things, but rather than changing them, we accept them. Our politicians having criminal records is acceptable to us, I should not be questioning our patience at least. As Rani Mukherjee said in her movie “Delhi is about Power. The Power rests with the Powerful & the common man only has the strength to bear it”.

I started out this post by putting the headline ‘Madam… Bas Itna???’ targeted at the looters, but as my writing proceeded, I could just blame my city culture which apparently has developed out of many people like me……….. Sigh………..

When He's Gone!!!!!!!!

This is the moment everybody dreads in their life, yet everyone goes through it someday or the other. When you love someone from each & every bit of your heart & then he suddenly walks away……. He walks away & life is not the same anymore. The heart is shattered into pieces. Each piece oozing out the love it always held

LOVE………. That went beyond everyone’s perception of it, that surpasses people & society. Love – which when is near, is the only thing you see, for which the life’s risks seem worthy enough. The kind of Love for which one can do anything in the sway of emotions, yet that’s the very same thing holding you composed when the World breaks down on you.

LOVE………… Which makes the life’s materialistic pleasures unimportant, which makes you believe that there is nothing in the World you can ask for, except this person….. Love….. For the heck of which you pretend smiling throughout the day but them break down in his arms…..

And suddenly you realize that its all ‘LOVE’ but only for you. For him, it’s not that big a thing. Its so easy for him to throw it away & kill every bit of it by his words…….. And that’s enough for him, his work’s done….. But for you, everything changes. There are no more colors around & all you see is darkness. You stop smiling & tears are the only expression of your pain. Pain so huge that it becomes numb after a point of time…. And then you realize that you experienced something you might never feel again….. Those beautiful days are history & the pain is the constant feeling inside you.

Something I have never understood & I do not know if I will ever find the answer, that what is it that makes everything look so beautiful when you are in love? Even HIM, & all the ancillary issues….. But when HE walks away, crushing you, why is it an eye opener? What makes one see everything now, that one could not see before???

Life moves on… People move on… Does the heart really move on?? Or does it learn to compromise & get used to the pain?? Who says life is not beautiful….. It is…. I have seen it….. But it does not seem to exist without him……

I guess there must be somebody coming in your mind while you reading this. He/She might be your ‘walked over’ past or your life’s compromise………

I am glad I captured this moment in words. Probably I might never know this feeling again………….

P.S – I just watched Eclipse :PPP…….. Forgive me if this goes beyond your head :PPP

MY DRESS IS NOT A YES……. AND I AM NOT YOUR PREY

I have never given so much thought to how I should start my particular post but I don’t know how come I gave so much thought to this one. Well, maybe because I know people go through what I write & hence it should be presentable enough. But I guess I will stick to my basics & write whatever is in my mind not considering how it starts & ends. This time my post may not be liked by many, but still I don’t want to stop.

DELHITES, Boys (having sisters, mothers, gf’s) & Girls in particular, who are reading this post, I want to ask that while they are stepping out of their home, do they realize they are not safe & anything & everything can happen to them (considering the city & the country we are living in)???? THE GIST IS THAT WE GUYS DO REALISE THE FACT THAT WE ARE UNSAFE, BUT WE TEND TO IGNORE IT. All must have seen movies such as Dushman, No One killed Jessica, or the recent one – Murder 2, but still we ignore the bottom line that the incidents in those movies happened with a women. We can happily adapt the fashion trends from our Bollywood flicks but learning something out of them is not our cup of tea. The message is out rightly loud & clear that the female gender in our city is not safe – be it of any age slab….. The abhorrent crimes are committed even with an 8 year old girl child. If the crime towards women has turned that barbaric, how can we afford to ignore our safety issues?

Pick up any random date newspaper & reports of molestation & rape seem to be an ordinary thing now. They are so regular. And now when I mentioned reports here, I fail to understand how the editors classify a particular incident as a front page headline stuff or a news that has to be put on 5^th page. A Rape is a Rape right? Be it the Dhaula Kuan rape case or the recent ‘prevented rape’ of the pub employee…..

I am sick of hearing statements such as “Society’s attitude needs to be changed”…… Society is made up of WE people, BUT HAS OUR ATTITUDE CHANGED TOWARDS OUR OWN SAFETY??? I witnessed this incident recently while I was travelling in the lady’s coach of Delhi metro. A girl, 20 years old, was wearing a tee & hot pants, an elderly women was watching her & out of concern scolded her that “why are you wearing such short stuff?” The girl instantly replied back saying “See lady, my parents do not have a problem, why are you creating a fuss? Its none of your business.” The lady was astonished for a moment but replied back “Fine…. You go ahead & wear such stuff…. But tell me, are you equipped enough to protect yourself if in any case animals decide to rape you today? What will your parents do then?” The statement stunned the girl, she had no answer……………

The Slut Walk recently held at DU disseminated the message of alarming women safety & the need of attitude transformation of men towards women. But I guess what is needed is spreading awareness as to how women should protect themselves in case of any incident. Moving out in groups, avoiding shady areas & shady timings, carrying a swiss knife, learning the basic martial art techniques can help in escaping the critical situation.

I wonder how can one spend hundreds on a ‘dance class’ but a martial art class is something they consider inessential.

Are we waiting for the society’s attitude to change??? That would take its own sweet time, when the government would get more stringent on incidents such as rape. Before changing others, one’s own attitude should change. If a transformation has to occur, this is the only way it would occur. And I cannot understand that girls being very very well aware of the present scenario still choose to wander around without ensuring their safety. Rather than shouting slogans ‘My short dress is a not a Yes’, one should accept the fact that merely spreading this word would not help. If a girl cannot take herself seriously, nobody else can take her seriously. We would not find Amit Sehrawat everywhere. OUR SAFETY LIES IN OUR OWN HANDS……

A Small Intention!!!

Finally after ages I am writing… You won’t believe how much I missed you my Blog *wink* wink*……Life is going on at a crazy pace with so many things happening around along with pressing issues in mind that I am hardly left with any time to put my thoughts in order….. well anyways, things got to be prioritized….

So…………..World Cup tomorrow :) :)….. Excitement is in the air. People are displaying their patriotic feeling everywhere they can. Be it FB or BB or messengers etc etc. I am overwhelmed to see how patriotic we Indians are. I wonder where does this patriotism go when we see our country being looted & corrupted or when headlines such as ‘CENSUS SOUNDS ALARM’ appear???? Is out patriotic feeling just restricted to World Cup matches or when a tragedy like 26/11 devastate our Nation? I guess so…… Anyways the point here was not to raise questions on our fellow citizens or anyone in particular but the thought is something very general that dominates my mind somewhere & I am sure would have struck everyone’s mind at a point in time.

And I am sounding too bizarre with the way I am putting things so I better change track

Ok….. What is that one thing which a person strives to do in his/her life??? Well it can be anything… travelling around the World, meeting their favorite actor, become the richest man for a day and so on n so forth…. But will that make a difference to someone’s life? ‘SOMEONE’ who is needy, downtrodden, neglected? No, it won’t. Somewhere I feel that an average middle age youth of my age takes more from society in general than giving back the same. Oh I know we pay taxes for India’s development, but that plainly fills our politicians heavy pockets owing to the prevailing corruption, which we gladly choose to ignore….. Jaise chal rahaa hai, waise chalne do… Humein kya farak pad rahaa hai?????

I am not saying I plan to eradicate corruption out of this Nation, that I know I would not even have the guts to do… But yes, in my own little way, I know I will contribute somewhere, for someone’s betterment. I do not intend to play the role of ‘ R Madhavan’ from Rang De Basanti here nor my intention is to lecture people who read this. All I intend to do is raise that question in everyone’s mind that ‘Are we making a difference to anyone’s life by just surviving?’

Actions matter I know, but I have always believed that intentions matter even more. Intention, if there, would drive a person which would anyways result into an action. And intention, even the teeny-weeny, makes a lot of difference.

We have several avenues in our society through which we can do our bit & contribute in whatever small capacity we can.

So wake up & think!!! Think where you can make a difference & how….After all, it’s just one’s good deeds that makes one grow in life…………………

When I look Back…

Life is fast. Really fast… Days change into months & months into years, & years just fly by. I could not be more aware of a moment… A moment of my life…. Because at this very juncture, I put my life to a standstill, atleast for a few minutes & look back

I look back & I find myself in my bedroom, getting ready for school, creating fuss over breakfast, rushing to catch school bus & finally reaching school. And school was fabulous. Classes, teachers, subjects, aim less gossips, exams & most importantly FRIENDS. The friends with whom notes were shared, with whom recess were spent, talking at the last seat of the bus and what not…. Images like those are crystal clear.

And now, I still get ready, but for my office. I still create fuss over my breakfast & rush off to my car & drive & reach office………………… And office is so different. Classes replaced by cabins, subjects replaced by products, aimless gossips converted to mindless bitching, report cards are now score cards & most important are Bosses…. The entire day goes running & running with no peace of mind…. A harsh reality which one cannot forget.

I look back & I find myself in my college… being independent, metro/car rides, coffee with friends, outing with groups, seminars, politics, event proposals & I can go on & on. Even in those days we could not sleep at night…. Exams, presentations, cell phone and Orkut/Facebook

But now… car drive to office is more of a pain, coffee we still have but while discussing our targets… outings we still have, but to our clients place… Politics is still there, but in a more unhealthy way, & finally we still can’t sleep at night, because of worries in life…..

I look back & I find myself all decked up, for my cousin’s wedding. Marriages are sooooo much fun. New clothes, accessories, music, laughter, dancing, festivity and what not…. Family get togethers, wishes being shared, dancing in the baraat & then complaining of being so occupied, through the entire ceremony that we could’nt even check out the menu L

And today, I am again decked up….. not for anyone else’s ceremony but my own. Clothes, accessories, music, festivity, dancing & all of it…. And my countdown in my very own house. I look around & realize that probably after few months, this is the place I would have to leave, my mum wont be the first person I see in the morning, my sister wont be there to irritate me and my father not there to handle my tantrums….. This ALL to be replaced by that one guy, who will come & change my life forever. Any life will be different…. Very different……..

As I said, years just fly by…. Memories remain & so their evidences….. I look back and find myself reading Sweet Valley Twins…. And now I write this………..Life moves constantly, & by the time you finish reading this, my life would have moved on & so has yours…. But once in a while, its good to stop & look back J

SHADES OF FEAR

I ponder on the origin of fear,
And reasons they don't come so clear, till I study them from nascent stage, our life the journey that it takes.

At birth the baby knows no fear,
Cuddled and bundled so cute so dear,
The child just enjoys the fun,
Kicking and basking in the sun,
For them there if any it be,
Is the loss of kin and family.

Adoloscence, a flower ready to blossom,
So exciting such a flirtatious time so awesome,
Exploring and extending their boundaries they grow,
Nothing is ever enough they want more,
Fear if any is the acceptence of peers and friends,
And the loss of kin and family their means to the ends.

Youth the confident step into individuality,
And of coming face to face with lifes harsh reality,
Convocation, interviews, jobs, targets and more,
And then to find time for one they luv to the core,
Courtship, marriage, honey moon a family begun,
Working hours grow more fewer for family and fun,
They fear not the hard life and work till they are sore,
Its the security of the family that they want more.

Mid-life, the Coming of age of life's trek one trailed,
With all the experiernce, some succeded some failed,
Business barons, successful professional or whatever they be,
Sky is the limit that's the target they see,
The Child now an adolesent and soon to be a youth,
These proud parents now more friends they nurture the youth,
The driving force for their relentless chase,
To fullfill the family's need, their mirage, the haze,
Now seldom do they find the time,
To sit with the family and unwind,
They fear not are dauntless to any task ensigned,
They fear only if provided enough for the family if left behind.

Old age and lifes journey it culminates,
Health concerns and reminenscing it initiates,
They see the road they travelled and their life they guage,
They see the missed opportunities with the family at every stage,
The youth now married and similarly behaves,
They want so much to stop him from the same mistakes,
But unforgiving is life and now even though the family he longs,
They are all scattered in their pursuits like the proverbial song,
There is no wish no longing no promises left,
Only a fear will they be alone in their death.

THE FOUNTAINHEAD & ME

Months ago, I came across this guy who entered into my life like no lightening. But like a wanderer who according to me had lost the purpose of his journey. But as the time passed, I realized that he is no wanderer, in fact he is someone who has come into my life with a reason (which I’ll mention later). As we guys started interacting, we took a look into each other’s personal lives, & as unintentionally it happens, we tend to give advices to others, that’s what we also did.

Apparently he made a statement to me those days, after reading my blog that “u need to find a place for yourself in your life. You can’t let it go like the way others want it, keeping others happy might not ALWAYS keep you happy”. I had my justifications ready even that time, that for me, keeping others happy is more important. I have my individuality, no doubt, but it becomes secondary when I think of my close ones.

Eventually the discussion ended there. He advised me to take a break from my favorite Danielle Steel & give ‘THE FOUNTAINHEAD’ a try. After his immense persuasion, I finally started reading the book. Though I should mention at this point only that I have read just half of the book & my beliefs are subject to change like any other normal human’s would. And as I always said to myself, that I am happy being a learner all through my life.

I won’t spend time in penning down what the novel ‘THE FOUNTAINHEAD’ is all about, everyone can google that. What I want to write about is what this half read book did to me………

I have always seen myself as a vulnerable, adaptive girl who initially lacked self confidence but because of my friends, I gained some of it. I thought my life is perfect, I am good, I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, I have nothing to change. What I had forgotten amidst all this was ‘WHERE IS MY OWN SELF?’…. I was living to keep others happy in little ways I could, suppressing my desires. Well fountainhead wont restrain me from doing the same even now, but what it did was, re – instilled the belief I had in myself. It made me realize that there’s a distinct ME which has to be protected & nurtured. I am a human, not a saint. At a point I would break free.

And so I would want to redefine the beliefs I always held….

The most pressing issue at the moment – My Career, My Job. I have seen myself & my friends breaking up at numerous occasions about why we can’t find a job, when we are no less qualified? Job is a NEED for us now, like food, safety, shelter is. It’s a need that would help us achieve recognition; to ourselves, & in front of others… Such a twisted soul I am, I beg to differ NOW. I have never enjoyed things that come handy to me. My most cherished things are the ones for which I have put efforts which I could not imagine myself putting. A shirt I bought for my friend, for which I had to cut/slash/kill my expenses is more precious to me than the expensive cell phone I asked from my father & which he gave so easily. And so this struggle for job is something I am beginning to enjoy because it is making me do things, making me put efforts which I had never thought off. In future, I neither want to be a successful analyst, nor an investment banker; my soul aim lies in learning the best from what I am doing. At the end of the day & at the end of my life, I do not want to know the financial markets better, but I want to know myself & this life better. But as I mentioned before, JOB is a NEED at the moment, & it requires struggle, so be it… What enjoyment can one derive out of life is everything is already served to him so beautifully??? Dude Neha, FIGHT, SNATCH & MAKE IT YOURS, MY HAPPINESS LIES THEIR…..

Secondly, my mum always asks me, that Neha, go to the temple on occasions, be religious, but I never hear her. I go whenever I want to go, I go when ever my soul is lost & I can’t find answers within, I go whenever I have to thank him. For me, God has never resided in temple, he resides in me, somewhere within everyone (I am sounding like a saint, but who cares? This is what I feel, & that is exactly what I write). My soul always guides me right, always tells me where I am wrong. I visit temple not to look at the idol, but to re instill my belief that my soul has a face; & probably that is what I see in God. I don’t need to pray to Lord Ram every morning, what I need is give myself time off from everyone else & listen what my soul says.

Thirdly, the belief that I hold in myself does not need any acknowledgement from society at large; but from a few who can see through me; who can read me. I might not show myself to thousands but there are a few who know me like the back of their hand, & I know they will be the ones standing by me, without even my saying. The values I hold, my bizarre beliefs might astonish many; many might want to change me & yes, there would come a time when I will compromise… Not on my beliefs, but on situations, for people. After all one’s soul cannot live in seclude. It lives with others, watches them, analyse them, tell whom to go with & with whom not. Just like a parent would sacrifice his wishes to give his child everything, my soul would ask me to sacrifice my wish or two to keep someone else happy. Does that mean I sacrifice my beliefs??? Never…. It would just prove that the beliefs are strong enough to give someone else a space…….

Last but definitely not unimportant, I do not know how The Fountainhead would change me in future, I do not see myself becoming a saint or a perfectionist; I might just laugh at this piece of my writing in future… but this all is ME, what I have been writing, what I NOW write…Shows the transition within me as my life goes. I do not write for gaining popularity, nor to publicize my opinions. I write when I want to, when I feel like. I do not care how many read this, but if someone does, I hope you extract something positive out of it J

Finally the man who introduced me to the book & to this transition within myself, THANKS A LOT…. For him I do not need to write a single word because he knows it all & he will know it more when he reads this entire writing. Ayn Rand was an amazing author who wrote this novel, & you are an amazing person who saw me & gave this gift to me. I owe you a lot….. He once said in beginning that ‘some read The Fountainhead just as any other novel, while some gain something out of it’…. Well….. Ur Mission Accomplished J

THE CRUEL ME??? OR HE???

The period of life, a testing time

All that he worked for was falling around him, the vultures encircling and crowding around him.
A piece of land, a few pennies or more, scavengers collecting and wanting more.
Stop your cruelty he beseeched them, holding them responsible for the mayhem.
As time went by, the atrocities they grew, he also found his options to be few.
He screamed and cried at fate's cruel hands, that took from him his peace and land.
The more he cried the more unforgiving he got, and hurt those who were his kindered lot.
But what got him here he never dwelt, but blamed fate for the hand so unfairly dealt.
Why did it have to be me, wasn't my good nature for all to see?
Was my effort ever in doubt, was I not available at every call and shout?
Did I not do all that was required of me, even at the peril of my family and me?
Have I hitherto questioned why, coz for me it was always ‘I have to do it or die’

He asked for answers where there were none, until he critically examined his actions done.

Was this then my mistake, to do all it takes,
Without regard to the consequence, my steps to others make?
My singular selfish deeds that I condone myself for,
Were they ever with a thought for those I called on for?
That I did all I did without any remorse, and created a problem for most of my resource.
Who then is cruel knowth HE.... ITS HIM WHO TAKEth AND STILL AT TIMES SMILES WITH GLEE

THE SWEET TRANSITION

I often contemplate that life has come a long way & still has a long way to go. But at present, I can't help ignoring my inner voice, that smiles at me often & says ' Neha, you have finally become a girl'...Strange as it may sound. Yes, at the age of 22, I think I am finally no more a child but a girl in real sense. I don't even remember when my thoughts shifted from chocolates - toys - studies - dresses to friends - career - lover & parents.

I sometimes wonder if boys think so much? But atleast I know that somewhere every girl thinks that when did such a huge transition come in their lives. It was only yesterday when all I thought about was studies, homework, exams, gossips, crushes & what not. How come now they have been replaced by EXPECTATIONS? Expectations of our parents from my life, from my future decisions; expectations of my boyfriend, how he wants my support at every step in life... And expectations from my own self, how my life is, & how I want it to be. Expectations have always been there at every point in life but I think they are at the forefront now.

To be very frank, a girl comparatively matures faster than boys. Because not only she has to take care of her own self but also several other things & people around her. Biggest of them being Parents. A boy can be a child his entire life but a girl has to grow up at some time or the other. At the end she has to take care of the fact that every decision of hers is in accordance to what her parents think. There comes a time when she leaves her parents & moves forward to build an entire new family around her. And if something goes wrong, it has its own implications (Blahh Bla blaaaa)

Phew, how come I never thought about this earlier & now my mind is most of the time occupied with this. Thinking about others first & then about yourself. I am sure after 2 years, I will be thinking about something else as at some point a girl would transit itself into a women.

I so wish that in this journey I fulfil everyone's expectations & keep my place high in my own eyes. Let's see what life has more to teach (*wink*wink*) :)

L.O.V.E

This is how much I love writing…. Writing here after months…. Moody Me

And thanks to me sitting all idle these days that I am getting these random thoughts in my mind which I at times impersonate in my words. And mostly, all my posts centre around just one thought L.O.V.E….

No matter how much people say that ‘besides love’ there are other important things in life but at the centre and the destination of the journey is ALWAYS love. Be it for oneself or for others.

I consider myself really lucky that my life is awarded with every form of love that a person needs. Love from family, partner, friends and the most important ‘My God’.

LOVE – a word so important, and still ridiculed. Once a friend told me ‘In love, you can change yourself. It holds the power to make you just do anything’. So true… And if this one thing is so strong enough to change oneself, how come is it a mere mockery to some? Be it for parents, or for your partner……. I fail to understand the idea behind sending your parents to old age homes and having numerous websites dedicated to ‘hatred quotes for your partner’………

Such random wannabe losers degrade the basic human values we are endowed with.

And so if I extend my thinking about these stupid losers, all what I can think of is that they are missing the essence of life. Maybe they have never felt the excitement, anxiousness and happiness that one feels within. Nor have they known the joy of making someone feel special and loved. I fail to understand if life exists in such darkness.

If I look back at all my years gone by, I see myself breaking up and standing up at occasions, but at the end, the only consistent thing in my life was that I was blessed with love. And in future also, things would come and shatter you, but if one introspects, love always envelope people in some form or the other.

I guess it’s the most benevolent feeling or word or whatever. People buffoon it, but still it never leaves their side. And a step higher, if this thought is even taken spiritually, I feel some people are not blessed enough to love. Maybe not even deserving…..If u cannot love your parents, if you cannot love that one person who stands by you in all thick and thin, u no more than a failure in itself ….. Such a waste of life……..

I do not have any idea why have I written this, but seeing people so allergic to love and inconsiderate to their near ones could not stop from me from scribbling down these thoughts. I am grateful to God for giving me such wonderful people in my life who love me madly and because of whom I am whatever I am today. I am soooooo vella and frustrated and irritated at times but my life is fun… Because its filled with L.O.V.E J

THE INCOMPLETE LOVE

Continuation of ‘UNDER A SPELL’ & ‘THE TRUST – WITHIN ME, IN YOU’

There are times when relations don’t work out, there are times when partners don’t understand each other, and there are times when this so sacred thing as love is just wasted away………

Cressida walks into her room, checks her cell, take out some assignments & starts working on them… 5 minutes later again checks her cell, but nothing…. Distracted goes back to her work again……. But the uncertainty, the doubts, the fear are all messed up in her head….

It’s been months we have been together. Time passes so quickly J A lot happened all this while. Arguments, misunderstandings, confessions, love letters, secret smiles, speechless talks, the looks….. EVERYTHING….. It’s beautiful… But it’s scary too….. Cause no matter what, I can’t read him as clearly I should. And there is always this uncertainty of breaking apart…….

Anyways, no matter how miserable I would sort it out……

Checks her cell again, no calls, no sms…….. The anxiety growing…. Where is he? He does not feel like being in touch or what? Why does he ignore me at times? God what should I do????

After 6 hours, cell ringing

Cressida : Hey

Friend : Hey, Wassuppp

Cressida : Wassup my foot, where have you been?

Friend : Was with friends, didn’t realize the time. Came home & then slept

Cressida : But atleast you can take out a minute to just inform? I was worried

Friend : Cressida………………………

Cressida –( Silent )

Friend – What happened?

Cressida – You know it’s not working this way. You hardly care, you hardly inform, you don’t care where I am, you just do things when you want to…… Why is it always about YOU???

Friend : I know it’s not working out. I don’t know but I am normally very concerned about where my girl is, I keep a tab on her, but with you, I don’t know why it’s not coming out?

Cressida : What’s my fault in all of this? I mean where did I go wrong? Why do you have to make me go through this? Firstly no commitment from your side, and then this?

Friend : I know it’s my fault. When have I blamed you Cressida? But I don’t know what’s wrong? Why is’nt it coming out?

Cressida : (Silently Sobbing) Well maybe then we should just end this… I mean if feelings only are not there, then what’s the use….. I guess this was the last thing I had to hear, you not being concerned… I am glad you said it today………..

Keeps the call off

I sit in a room, wondering……

LOVE….. F*** man, it screws you up right?

Are you crazy Cressida? It was LOVE… You loved him, you still do, don’t curse it

What’s the dam use of it when you here, crying, just because now you know he does not care, HE DOES NOT CARE

So what if he does not care? But once upon a time, you did share yourself with him, he was everything to you, you wanted him Cressida, you had him and you were happy. Why crying now?

Cry, Cry & Cry…. I told you this would happen. Bloody keep your heart at stake and suffer. God dammid it aches right, it’s aching right? Didn’t I tell you? Didn’t I warn you?

Cressida, how would you have had those beautiful memories if not with him? Was’nt it worth it?

Huh, it was’nt… It never was… Don’t you see it? Did’nt you hear it? He was just fooling around. He must have got someone else now. Get over it Cressida, throw him out.

Don’t blame him Cressida. He can’t be so bad. You know he’s not. He cared and he loved you. Maybe not the way you used to but something was there…. But yes, GET OVER IT. Save yourself from this pain… get over it Cressida, get over it…. Forget him

And Cressida sleeps. Her deepest sleep ever. Tears though still streaming from her eyes….

Cressdia : ( It’s not going to be easy. Seeing him everyday in front of me, recalling every bit of my time with him, every single second and still not able to talk to him, wanting him to come back but still ignoring him, trying to show him that you hate him no matter my eyes still brimming with tears at the sight of him….. It’s not going to be easy…. But then Love has never been easy……. )

The fears finally came true, the smile finally vanished, the dreams finally shattered……. And they both go on their separate paths….. Finally In their different directions…….. But seriously, was it worth it???????

THE TRUST – WITHIN ME, IN U

Continuation of 'UNDER A SPELL'

She sits out in the sky, counting the starts above… Smiling to herself…… The days are going really fine…. And even the nights…………J I love him, I know I really love him…… It’s not that I have not had these feelings before but like always, it’s so natural & so pure……. When I see him, I fall in love with him all over again…..

I am so stupid…. I should not be so lost in him… Because I know it hurts….. If things don’t work out, it hurts badly….. What if this does not work out? I don’t want to get hurt again and especially when I am just so much into it………………..

God Cressida, u thinking so much…. Just leave it….. You love him, he loves U and that’s all that matters……….

Her phone rings…………..“FRIEND CALLIN”

A sparkle in the eye is so obvious…… J

Cressida – Hey

Friend – Hey, wassupp

Cressida – Nothing, just sitting

Friend – And what else J

Cressida – Thinking……. I guess

Friend – And thinking what

Cressida – Ummmm…. I don’t know….. Just random thoughts…….

Friend – Hmmm ok

Cressida – (Silence)……

Friend – Speak something Cressida, your silence scares me J

Cressida – (Smiling)……. You sure you like me?

Friend – I do, and I am quite sure about it………………

Cressida – hmmmm ok

Friend – What about you?

Cressida – I love you with all my heart…… (A tear might trickle down my cheek right away idiot, I love u so much)

Friend – (Silent)

Cressida – You know it’s not going to be easy

Friend – I know….. But we will manage….. For the sake of what we feel, we definitely would……..

Cressida – But it’s going to be really difficult road ahead

Friend – We will both sort it out Cressida……. When I am with U, I am totally yours……. I am sure we will figure it out

Cressida – Hope so J……… (I want it to work God, plssssss)

Friend - J

{Love is blind, oh yes it is……. But people are not always so blind… Cressida could foresee the rugged road ahead, the darkness that might engulf them…. But she trusted him with all her heart……. She knew that if he’s there, it’s going to be all fine…….. Eventually they would work out, no matter how miserable……… He was a lot to her….. In his own ways, in what she felt for him, he was EVERYTHING for her…….BUT…..

Little do they know that fate has written a different story for both of them……… The love would not be love after some time…. The anguish would replace the feelings in the times to come…. And there would not be that belongingness ahead……. Maybe Cressida’s fears would come true and unfold them….. Maybe the friend would be no longer there…….. Maybe everything would just end……….}

Cressida goes in deep sleep, with his thoughts in her mind, with that smile on her face……. Which might just end someday……..

FADE AWAY.....................................

THE JOURNEY WAY UP!!!

I stand on a lofty peak

Gazing my eyes at the World beneath me

Its been a long long journey reachin this high

And as I walked my way up, I saw the own me isolated from the realm

Its so true, that the person at the top is always alone,

And now I note the gravity that hauls me down…

I was never born to possess

I in my own modus and methods possessed

But what success am I talking about?

I’v hurt many on my way up,

Made some happy, made some sad

Kicked someone down, while pulled someone up…

I had lost the real me long time back

To regain the very same, I tried pleasing everyone….

Everyone…. But 1………

People find me full of love, friends find me the bestest…

Bt I cant charm just everyone

And I myself don't know whom I want to cheer for the moment…

I made a choice when I reached here

Either me being down, or either me up

And now I am at the apex….

With the same real me being inside me

But then why people refuse that its not me?

Have I gone amaurotic? That's what they say

I know this is not the state

I see everything apparently

I saw this minute coming

I saw what I was losing

But what I shudder at, is my paramour going away from me

Should I step down for you, or should I pull you up?

This choice I got to make…

I don't know where it would lead me to

I cant hurt anyone… And I cant please everyone

But yes, my determination speaks again

No matter what.. I see my world with me…

And I would continue doing the same

That one mistake in my life that I did years back

Is something that I am not going to repeat again

I am going to bring everything back…. To me again………..

UNDER A SPELL……………..

Here Cressida was sitting, with her thoughts……What do you gain outta just by thinking…. Get a life Cressida…… And so she moves, she finds him, a friend …. He has been around always…..And he’s funny too J …And so they sit together..…. Stupid talks and stupid things…U r crazy, stupid, jerk….…. And same goes for you ……..

And so they go home smiling……

Cressida goes to her room and sleeps….. With the mind still being filled with the conversation she had with her friend……..

Time passes…….. She hears a knock on the door……..

Cressida Who’s dis????

Friend Its me Cressida, your friend

Cressida Oh hi, how are you?

Friend I am fine, Just wanted to meet you

Cressida Meet me??? Suddenly??? Why???

Friend Coz I have been smiling all through this while…

Cressida Same with me…… What have you been thinking about???

Friend U…..

Cressida Me????

Friend Yes U……..

Cressida Ok, we need to discuss this….. What’s happening???

Friend I don’t know, that’s why asking you I guess... But something is happening rite??

Her alarm rings….........

Cressida Shit…. Have I been dreaming???? About him???? Anyways……….

And so she goes back to her usual stuff again……. He’s there….

Cressida Should I talk??? Offcourse I should, your dream was a crap…….

So hey, hi again…… And he says ‘u know I have been thinking about you’……………………..

Cressida Watttt……… Y……….. (Is he having the same dream as mine???) And this is reality…

Cressida Well, thinking What????

Friend Don’t know???

Cressida Wattttttt?????

Friend How would I know?

Cressida (Puzzled)

Friend (Puzzled)

Cressida Ok fine, I have been thinking about you too

Friend Wat? Really?

Cressida Yes J

Friend Is there something you wanna tell?

Cressida Nothing as of now…

Friend Are we both feeling the same?

Cressida Maybe

Friend So what should we do???

Cressida Give it time

Friend How much time??? You know I miss u

Cressida And so do i

Friend But yea, lets be Practical

Cressida Yes…. Lets be Practical (It hurts to be practical tho)

Cressida looks at him and he looks at her, they read what they should not, they understand that no one else might….

“Are we wrong? Probably not…. But why this then??? And when we know it can’t happen……..

We need time, we gotta wait……. For each other, to see how much of this is true, to see if its worth it……”

Friend I’ll miss u

Cressida I’ll miss u too

And so they go on their separate paths……… Though still moving in the same direction J

FADE AWAY……………………………

IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE

So I am back finally!!!!!!!!! Have been so busy off lately, so many things happening in life & so random at the same time…. So this blog is gonna be totally vague with so many thoughts being poured at the same time. I love expressing myself here coz I guess this is the only place in the World where I can just put my thoughts without any interruption….. And so the right time comes……………..

EXPECTATIONS HURT BIG TYM

This is something my friends have been trying to explain me from the very beginning of my college life…. But I never believed in the above thought. If you don’t hold any expectations from your close ones only, whom will u rely on in life???? But phew….. Guess its time to change this thinking of mine……..

Have not been expecting A LOT I would say but yea, d minimum…… N even that’s not fulfilling now…. I keep on thinking, keep on getting hurt, keep on waiting, but who cares……. So finally I have taken this stand up to COMPLETELY stop expecting from people…. And surprisingly, now when I have implemented it, I realize it was’nt tough at all……. Maybe my feelings are so dead from inside that now I don’t care anymore…. As always, I miss being myself L But can’t help it, the World around you changes you……….. L

MY 2 ANGELS

I was coming home distraught, the same expectations problem in my mind, so many questions, mental exertion and what not…. Plus I had this stupid early extra class on Sunday and the professor did’nt turn up……. Can u believe my luck??????? Anyways I Was dragging myself up the stairs of my home when I finally heard some noises coming from my living room…….. TRING TRING…… Mom opens up with a smile….. ‘Your friends came up to meet you sweetie’……. I see 2 kids sitting in the dining room…… I know this gal, bit from where??? I step in the living room and what I see………… My Joseph Uncle & Flory Aunty (Lets go back to history….. Joseph Uncle & Flory Aunty, as the name portrays are a Christian couple from Kerala. They used to live with us, on the floor my parents decided to rent…. They have been with me since I was an year old…. I have spent my childhood with them…… Going upstairs, coming down, Flory aunty taking me away to play with her, Uncle getting me gifts occasionally……And as I grew up, i got used to them…… Probably I was 10 year old when they decided to shift from our house….. I was obviously upset but soon grew over it….. I used to talk to them always on phone, but gradually I lost the touch with them no matter mumma & papa were in regular contact with them…I have’nt seen them for about 4-5 years now… )

I had just stepped into my living room and seeing them there was …………………. Can’t be put in words……. All I remember was I threw my bag & hugged Joseph Uncle and my aunty……. God………… My happiness knew no bounds……. I was thrilled…….. A moment back I was upset and now I cant stop myself from jumping……. They were overjoyed at their ends…. Especially coming to meet me on Sunday & then realizing that I had my class….. So disappointed they were….. Cursing their luck……. But when they saw me, even they could’nt believe their luck……. I could see tears in my uncle’s eyes……… So strange na, I don’t remember hugging my mom with so much warmth off lately and here I was exultant with both of them around me…… Meeting them after so long…. Still sharing that love, affection & respect……… I can’t remember if I was so happy off lately compared to how I was that time…. I sat with them for an hour, saying was not, telling them all what’s been happening and they just looking at me with so much warmth…… I could see myself blabbering like a 2 year old in front of them and they telling me how I used to be when I was little…… ‘Aunty, is this water from Kerala??? Why don’t you get me the same gift as Nidhi’s? I don’t wanna go downstairs, can I hide here??? Please, mom would make me study, I wanna be here…….’ There was over flow of emotions at that time and so I completely forgot that their kids had accompanied them too…… But mom was taking care of them…… I just wanted to be around my 2 guardian angels…..

God I know you exist. There have been moments when I really need you badly, like that day I needed you soooooo much & you just came in front of me J

A STEP GONE WRONG WITH…….. THE STRANGER

Dude I am feeling bored, spiritless…. Have nothing much to do…. My college takes my time and when I am free, I am idle…. Well u must be thing that why don’t I study??? But studies are something to be done only when exams come, and I am anyways good at them…….. J What should I do, what should I do??? Have not been into a chatting room from some while now. What’s harm in passing time that ways????

UUmmm….. The rooms are interesting…. 40’s room can be interesting….. Click and I log on…….. Damm these buzzers again…. Fake people, fake profiles, webcams, pictures, what not shit…. That’s why I don’t prefer to be here…. But I am all vella for now…. So you see….. Random Random people…. No one interests me………. Oh some ‘ak’ buzzed me…..

Me: Ur asl???

AK: Alex/24/m……. U?

Well I wrote my age, my location…… You would feel ‘what an idiot?’ But I am clever I know. People cannot be trusted on net and I very very well know it. Lets see how this goes on anyways. What harm would he do if in anycase I tell my real age n name(Only 1^st name, not Sirname, I told you I am clever)…………..

He seems interesting to me…. Its been 2 days…….. He flirts well, and boasts about him quite a while. He is half Indian, half American… Would be coming to India for business in few days…… What more should I say??? The equation is quite comfortable between us, I like talking to him, he likes it too…. We talk more as friends. But yeah, a major problem is there, he wants to see my pic or want my number now……. Bloody hell, I am not gonna do anything like that…. I am not stupid….. I know its risky….. And I am a girl afterall. He knows it, he understands it, but still……. Anyways I like talking to him, that’s the only thing that matters for now……

After a week

Well I am still chatting with Alex. Its getting dangerous a bit… I have shown him how I look. I can’t believe it myself though, but I did that. He fails to identify me in my pics…. And says I look totally different in different pics of mine…… Funny but clever he is…… He has shown me his pic too, just 1 of it. Quite handsome he is IF THAT’S HIS PIC. I know people fool around a lot here, so I am taking all the probabilities…… But Alex understands me, he knows how a girl is, he knows the values that she carries…….. Oops, I forgot to tell you his family background. He is half Indian, half American, Father is from Goa, and Mom from USA. So that’s the reason is can understand a girl’s psychology well……… Anyways, its all cool and fine for now………. Hopefully it remains so……

After 10 days

You won’t believe I have given Alex my number. He came to India and we chatted normally on chat. Was telling me about his cruises and all. But then suddenly said that there is no point talking if we can’t be in touch regularly. Online its tough as our timings don’t match….. He is very convincing as I said before and I really have started trusting him a lot…. I know I know I should be cautious, I took all that in view, and then gave it…. He called me…… He has a sweet voice, he talks intelligent, has that American accent but blended with Indian too….. His hindi is supercute…… We tease each other a lot, play pranks, listen to what opinions we both hold from inside, I told him about my family, my boy friend. I love talking to him and being with him when he is low…. I can say I found a true friend on net J But we argue too, we both love doing that…

After 15 days

Alex and me share something more than friendship I guess. I like him. Is that wrong? It is I know, how much do I know him only? You can’t fall in love with a guy whom you met on net, and then now we just talk on phone…. The situations are very complicated though. I have a boy friend in London, whom I can’t confess all this too, how should I? And its too early for that anyways… I don’t know if what ever he says can be trusted or not? He sent me a mail the other day with the name of some’ Abhishek Kuru….’ What ever……. I countered him on the same that how come A does not stand for Alex but Abhishek??? He has his own reasons to give that it got hacked and everything and all…. Something is fishy out there I know… But I like him, I can’t help it. He says the same too and I can feel that in him. But I have to b cautious.

After 5 days

Its been 2 months I have been talking to Alex now. Yesterday he called. As usual e were having fun teasing and pulling each other’s leg. Damm I like him… We both understand our limitations but have left it on time. Lets see what is in store for us… He was generally teasing me, kind off went over board this time…. How could I take something against a girl…. While smiling and laughing, even I said a lot of stuff to him….. Probably said a lot…… He got hurt….. But as a nice gentleman, wished me n slept…….. 5 minutes passes, he did not call…… I thought to call instead…. He was feeling low, I was rude….. But then he tells me that I don’t have to take him seriously, afterall how much do I know him only??? I asked, how much do I know you??? He said ‘ You know I am married since 6 years, I have a kid’. He must have been joking, I said the same, but his seriousness astonished me completely…. He was dead serious about it…. He confessed he was not 24 but 30 and he liked talking to me, never wanted to spoil it, that’s why never told me……. But how could he???? I trusted him blindly……. We shared so much……. He knows we did…. He still likes me, he still loves me, but yeah, not so seriously as I do….. He has been thinking that I am a clever girl, how could I give into my feelings for a stranger??? But I did, I was cautious all this while but this…..??????? I don’t know what to do, whom to blame??? I am hurt….. He says nothing has changed for him, but for me…. EVERYTHING DID…….. I am very very angry with myself, disappointed that how could I let him in so easily?? I was careful all this while…. But feelings did get hurt, they do eventually…….. I am out of his life now, have deleted his no. Don’t know what should I think about him. He might have misused my number, but didn’t do that though, but still I feel cheated……. I still don’t know who he was…. The Alex whom I knew or what this guy is now???

HE JUST TOOK A PART OF ME AWAY FROM ME………

Moral : Feelings can’t be controlled, they know no limitations and no barriers……. The mind tries to stop you. Stop at the right time. People don’t end up hurting anyone is such cases but themselves………

PS: This was a real life incident. Hope my readers learn something out of it. J