The Magic

Few minutes back only i wrote my last blog and here i am writing again. I don't know how many of us watch 'Jhalak Dikhla Ja'... But was i saw right now was truly amazing and this was entirely God's way of making things settle in my mind. I saw the performance of Sonia ( the choreographer) and Baichung Bhutia on 'Bas Ek Pal'. The performance portrayed a girl going through this innate pain and his partner trying to rescue her from all the pain and suffering. The dance was amazing. A clear cut expression of feelings and the pain and assurance all mixed up... I am feeling much at peace after watching it... Hats off to the couple...
I wish i upload the video someday

And here is the video

THIS IS ME, THIS IS ME AND THIS IS ME…. I CAN’T HELP IT…..

I KNOW MYSELF THE BEST, AND THIS IS PLAIN REALITY AND NOT MY MISCONCEPTION… THIS IS THE WAY I AM, AND THIS IS THE WAY I WANT TO BE… ALL THE SELFISHNESS AROUND DID NOT CHANGE ME IN THE PAST, WHAT THE HECK WILL IT DO NOW??? BUT ALL I WANT IS A LITTLE PEACE IN MY LIFE AND CONTENTMENT FROM WITHIN.

I am tired of my insecurities, I am tired to see my bestest friends putting someone else on their priority list when it was me who clearly stood by them all this time….. I am tired of being irritated with people whom I love the most….

Sometimes mind gets bombarded with questions to which you have no answers at all. How many times should I introspect myself? How many times should I look at my past and compare the present Me to what I was???

I don’t know what all I am writing today but I just want to write. I have always heard that expectations hurt, they indeed do, but you expect only from those whom you love… Then what’s the point in getting hurt? I hate not being the centre of someone else’s World. I have done this trillion times and doing it again now… Cutting myself from everyone just because I want to know what lies inside me. My thoughts, my actions, what really do I want? Reading people’s blogs today is bringing tears to my eyes. Earlier this feeling was not so swelled up. I feel like going out in open in the midnight and cry my lungs out. For what, even I don’t know. My life is not so bad either, neither the troubles are so much. Atleast I am far blessed than the person who is sitting on the streets and contemplating whether he can afford tonight’s meal. Why am I wasting this so precious life All Mighty has given me???

I am sick of making people irritated out of me. I hate being thinking about my so close people all the time when I get nothing in return. I get tired man…. So much to think about but still landing up nowhere.

Friends ask me not to think so much, not to take everything at heart, not to be blunt, not to care about everything …. But this is the way I am, I can’t help it. I might be the biggest Bitch to someone but my heart also does cry when I see my loved ones going far away…

If I am good, I am bad too, I know it all…. BUT ALL I WANT IS MY PLACE AND NOT MY SPACE…. It makes me think you all don’t care.

Damm, I don’t know what I have written and I don’t even care. For sometime I don’t want to think about anything, ANYTHING AT ALL…. Just want to spend some time with people less taken care off, with nature, with everything beautiful that God has created, all the small and simple stuff. Because outside the World is crazy and the people are nothing more than selfish. But the worst part is that somewhere I still care for my people, no matter how they are….

This is gonna be my worst blog ever…. :(

Imbecilic CHAP

Day to day happenings in life to an extent leave a mark on my mind. Thanks to my observing powers, I notice people quite often and draw my regular lessons out of them. Like my earlier post, the following post is also going to narrate an incident which happened yesterday itself.

Went to KFC around 4pm. Friend was in the queue to place the order and I was standing at one end of those queues. I noticed a couple standing near the counter to place an order. A Sardarji approximately of 50 years or so and his wife. She didn’t quiet look like a Sikh though but anyways who bothers as far as they are happy. (Keep these religious customs of caste, creed out of my vicinity please!!!) I noticed something very cute between them. They were aphonic. And thus were expressing their thoughts through chironomy. An elderly couple sharing their thoughts like that brought a smile on my face rather than a feeling of ruth for them. All I can say is that the entire tableau was very adorable.

My eyes suddenly rested on the guy who was standing on the other side of the counter to take their order. He was literally laughing on seeing them. (The height of human audacity) The couple was either quite engrossed in themselves or were ignoring the guy probably, I could not make that out. All my attention shifted to that idiot guy. On noticing that I was observing him, he started looking at me and passed a smile thinking that I would pair with him and maybe we both would jointly laugh on the couple. I ignored it a few times but his eyes again and again rested on me with an intention to join the fun no matter how much I tried to block my vision for him.

My patience evaporated and that very moment I felt like slapping that guy. But as the couple was still standing at the counter to place their order, maybe insulting the guy right then and there would have hurt them to an extent knowing that they were being made fun off.

Went upstairs to have my meal. This thought was in my mind for 10 minutes but my conversation shifted off to a topic and I forgot all that happened downstairs. It was like completely out of my mind.

At night, before going off to sleep, that incident again came in my mind and along with that the regret that I again could not do a thing. Insulting the guy at KFC maybe would have brought embarrassment to him or he could have learnt a lesson right there. But again……. I am such an idiot I know. All things in my head, such thoughts but when it’s time for execution, don’t know what happens. Hope I don’t repeat my mistake the third time now… 

A DEPLORABLE GLITCH

I pick up my Times Of India everyday. All I find on page 3 is When, Who and By Whom a girl was raped, murdered, assaulted or eve teased… ( Though ‘BY WHOM’ should be the most integral part of the above statement but most of the times it’s the ‘BY WHOM’ only who slips from the hands of our very own Law Guardians). The Fourth Estate fulfills their duty by putting across news like that otherwise it does not take time to hide such incidents under covers. And this has happened on so many occasions. On so many occasions the Protectors of Law have themselves crossed their dogmas and committed such heinous crimes.
Anyways the issue here is not this. All what I wonder is We, the general public when come across such news, how do we feel like? Agitated, Mortified, Choleric??? But what do we do about it? NOTHING. Some protests, candle march, and after few weeks the report vanishes off right in front of us.

Phew………. Like any other girl, I feel a bit scared when I think that something like this might happen to me or maybe anyone in my family. Afterall how safe is Delhi, we all know it… The very thought once came to my Dad’s mind and maybe that’s why when I was only 5 year old, he sent me to my self defense classes. At that time I did not realize its worth but now I am so much at peace when I think that yes, maybe to a particular stand, I can take care of myself… And another thought that used to cross my mind was that maybe if some incident like this happens in front of me and if by chance a girl needs me, I wont even think twice whether to help her or not. I would just simply do it…. NO MATTER WHAT. This confidence of mine broke a week back when this happened….
It was 9:30 am and I was in car with my friend going to my office. A red scooty caught my attention and the girl too was wearing a red top (with a red helmet)… Such matching people do, was smiling to myself while watching her….. Suddenly what I see is that a guy on bike, probably 24 – 27 year old comes so close to her scooty and start interacting with her. Constantly looking at her, passing comments, his bike being just 5 inches away from her scooty. The girl did not respond at all. I saw them for about 5 seconds and pointed the scene to my friend who was driving. He saw them and said that the scooty’s tyre is wobbling so maybe he is pointing that out. I remained still but kept my gaze on them when suddenly a roundabout came. We people had to take a right while the girl took a left, and along with her that biker too. I and my friend both saw them taking the turn and it was clearly visible that the biker was harassing her somewhat by passing lewd comments which she was ignoring. All I said to my friend was ‘ lets go behind them please, he is troubling her’. And my friend just remained so numb to my statement and off course he never took that turn and we went on our way. Don’t know what stopped him???
I was feeling like a wimp. After all that I thought I could do, after being so equipped with everything, I still could not save that girl. God knows what happened after that. Don’t have any clue what the result of all of it was. How did it end, did he finally leave her, how long was he behind her, did anyone intruded them or not??? So many questions in my mind but all what my conscience tells me that I was a f****** coward at that time.
This incident is haunting me from the time I left them. Not a single day pass when I don’t think about that girl. We can just speak afterall about our guts, our courage, grit etc etc etc. But how many us actually try to stop it??? WE JUST READ, WE SEE , WE IGNORE, WE FORGET, We do every damm nonsense but not what is required.
I feel ashamed that I could not use my abilities for someone else’s protection. I hope this tormenting thought leaves me eventually which I know it won’t. I am sorry All Mighty. I am sorry Dad. But most of all I am sorry to that red top, red scooty, red helmet girl whose name I would never know and whose thought would NEVER go…

BORING BORING BORING :(

I was so so so excited after writing my first post here that i wanted to do this again and again. Ans so finally i am writing again. Well am happy that most of my friends are enjoying their internships but why does my internship sucks??? It actually is so boring to go to office each and every day and you just do nothing. NOTHING AT ALL. I thought people always wanted to run away from work but as i am not one of them, here i am craving for work. So many issues are cropping out in this internship.

• Firstly the profile offered was completely different from what we are doing now



• My business head is not so strict but taunts indirectly always.... Huh..... The work he wants us to do, i cant do that only... Shit i m a BFIA.... How can i do it??? :(



• Thirdly there are no intetresting people around. Though i do have my friend with me here, but at the end of it he's bored seeing my face everyday and vice versa



• The worst part of it all - when my mom and dad ask me about the status of my internship, i got to manage a smile and say ' mom i am enjoying a lot'..... otherwise i would be flooded with questions.... WHAT, WHY WHY WHY........... oooofffff

I hate going to office everyday.I wish i could just be at home and sleep and sleep. Every morning when i am on the way to office, all that comes to my mind is that why not to skip the office today. The thought of it also is soo tormenting i cant tell. I crave for the weekend like anything. And yipeee its the weekend tomorrow....

But again Monday would come and again that long week of training with those GUYS ( oh did i forget to mention? I am the only girl among my peer mates who are their of training, rest all are boys.... And trust me all SMARY GUYS (pun intended).... So you see, how tough it is...... Phew........

But who cares, i am off for shopping tomorrow........ Wooohooooo

Dismayed Thoughts

Life's has been a bit of experience for me from past 4 years. Before that there was nothing in my life that was missing. A caring family, great friends, self contentment. It was everything an individual ever wanted. It was everything a 17 year old girl wanted. But life can never be complete without its twists and turns. One turn after another and i saw myself losing out to this World. The innocence, the faith, love, care, everything. Gradually going away, taking its new shape. Friends kept coming and going. I was so pre occupied with the situations that never got time to contemplate where i am heading towards. And now 4 years late, when i see myself, I cant see the real me. Definitely its somewhere hidden in me, afraid to come out. Or the monster in me does not want it to. Lost touch with friends, made new friends, got selfish in my own way. Hurting people, hurting myself has become something so common which i could not imagine in my life. I was good by heart. But now am not sure.
God has always bestowed his blessings on me. No matter how worse i turned, he always gave me people around me who loved and cared for me so much. And they still exist. But God has always been having his holds in teachin lessons which i so needed to learn in my life. One big blow and i was shattered from within. It was like you were in your fairy world, seeing your palace getting conquered by your enemies but still holding that conviction that you would win out of it somehow. But alas, things go out of your hands. That blow was so much that i lost my true self. And still not able to regain it. I got the lesson meant from it but have been unable to make out that why did i have to lose my innocence, my tolerance, my generosity along with it??? Did i truly learn what was meant to be? Why am i so hyper, so frusted with life now? I miss my own self. The one who had always been inside me. Things changed for godd and for bad but the belief still holds strong that i would achieve what i truly want. No matter how tough the path is.
Appologies to all my friends i left behind and for whom i could not be there when needed. I miss u all but more than that.... I MISS MYSELF