THE FOUNTAINHEAD & ME

Months ago, I came across this guy who entered into my life like no lightening. But like a wanderer who according to me had lost the purpose of his journey. But as the time passed, I realized that he is no wanderer, in fact he is someone who has come into my life with a reason (which I’ll mention later). As we guys started interacting, we took a look into each other’s personal lives, & as unintentionally it happens, we tend to give advices to others, that’s what we also did.

Apparently he made a statement to me those days, after reading my blog that “u need to find a place for yourself in your life. You can’t let it go like the way others want it, keeping others happy might not ALWAYS keep you happy”. I had my justifications ready even that time, that for me, keeping others happy is more important. I have my individuality, no doubt, but it becomes secondary when I think of my close ones.

Eventually the discussion ended there. He advised me to take a break from my favorite Danielle Steel & give ‘THE FOUNTAINHEAD’ a try. After his immense persuasion, I finally started reading the book. Though I should mention at this point only that I have read just half of the book & my beliefs are subject to change like any other normal human’s would. And as I always said to myself, that I am happy being a learner all through my life.

I won’t spend time in penning down what the novel ‘THE FOUNTAINHEAD’ is all about, everyone can google that. What I want to write about is what this half read book did to me………

I have always seen myself as a vulnerable, adaptive girl who initially lacked self confidence but because of my friends, I gained some of it. I thought my life is perfect, I am good, I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, I have nothing to change. What I had forgotten amidst all this was ‘WHERE IS MY OWN SELF?’…. I was living to keep others happy in little ways I could, suppressing my desires. Well fountainhead wont restrain me from doing the same even now, but what it did was, re – instilled the belief I had in myself. It made me realize that there’s a distinct ME which has to be protected & nurtured. I am a human, not a saint. At a point I would break free.

And so I would want to redefine the beliefs I always held….

The most pressing issue at the moment – My Career, My Job. I have seen myself & my friends breaking up at numerous occasions about why we can’t find a job, when we are no less qualified? Job is a NEED for us now, like food, safety, shelter is. It’s a need that would help us achieve recognition; to ourselves, & in front of others… Such a twisted soul I am, I beg to differ NOW. I have never enjoyed things that come handy to me. My most cherished things are the ones for which I have put efforts which I could not imagine myself putting. A shirt I bought for my friend, for which I had to cut/slash/kill my expenses is more precious to me than the expensive cell phone I asked from my father & which he gave so easily. And so this struggle for job is something I am beginning to enjoy because it is making me do things, making me put efforts which I had never thought off. In future, I neither want to be a successful analyst, nor an investment banker; my soul aim lies in learning the best from what I am doing. At the end of the day & at the end of my life, I do not want to know the financial markets better, but I want to know myself & this life better. But as I mentioned before, JOB is a NEED at the moment, & it requires struggle, so be it… What enjoyment can one derive out of life is everything is already served to him so beautifully??? Dude Neha, FIGHT, SNATCH & MAKE IT YOURS, MY HAPPINESS LIES THEIR…..

Secondly, my mum always asks me, that Neha, go to the temple on occasions, be religious, but I never hear her. I go whenever I want to go, I go when ever my soul is lost & I can’t find answers within, I go whenever I have to thank him. For me, God has never resided in temple, he resides in me, somewhere within everyone (I am sounding like a saint, but who cares? This is what I feel, & that is exactly what I write). My soul always guides me right, always tells me where I am wrong. I visit temple not to look at the idol, but to re instill my belief that my soul has a face; & probably that is what I see in God. I don’t need to pray to Lord Ram every morning, what I need is give myself time off from everyone else & listen what my soul says.

Thirdly, the belief that I hold in myself does not need any acknowledgement from society at large; but from a few who can see through me; who can read me. I might not show myself to thousands but there are a few who know me like the back of their hand, & I know they will be the ones standing by me, without even my saying. The values I hold, my bizarre beliefs might astonish many; many might want to change me & yes, there would come a time when I will compromise… Not on my beliefs, but on situations, for people. After all one’s soul cannot live in seclude. It lives with others, watches them, analyse them, tell whom to go with & with whom not. Just like a parent would sacrifice his wishes to give his child everything, my soul would ask me to sacrifice my wish or two to keep someone else happy. Does that mean I sacrifice my beliefs??? Never…. It would just prove that the beliefs are strong enough to give someone else a space…….

Last but definitely not unimportant, I do not know how The Fountainhead would change me in future, I do not see myself becoming a saint or a perfectionist; I might just laugh at this piece of my writing in future… but this all is ME, what I have been writing, what I NOW write…Shows the transition within me as my life goes. I do not write for gaining popularity, nor to publicize my opinions. I write when I want to, when I feel like. I do not care how many read this, but if someone does, I hope you extract something positive out of it J

Finally the man who introduced me to the book & to this transition within myself, THANKS A LOT…. For him I do not need to write a single word because he knows it all & he will know it more when he reads this entire writing. Ayn Rand was an amazing author who wrote this novel, & you are an amazing person who saw me & gave this gift to me. I owe you a lot….. He once said in beginning that ‘some read The Fountainhead just as any other novel, while some gain something out of it’…. Well….. Ur Mission Accomplished J