When I look Back…

Life is fast. Really fast… Days change into months & months into years, & years just fly by. I could not be more aware of a moment… A moment of my life…. Because at this very juncture, I put my life to a standstill, atleast for a few minutes & look back

I look back & I find myself in my bedroom, getting ready for school, creating fuss over breakfast, rushing to catch school bus & finally reaching school. And school was fabulous. Classes, teachers, subjects, aim less gossips, exams & most importantly FRIENDS. The friends with whom notes were shared, with whom recess were spent, talking at the last seat of the bus and what not…. Images like those are crystal clear.

And now, I still get ready, but for my office. I still create fuss over my breakfast & rush off to my car & drive & reach office………………… And office is so different. Classes replaced by cabins, subjects replaced by products, aimless gossips converted to mindless bitching, report cards are now score cards & most important are Bosses…. The entire day goes running & running with no peace of mind…. A harsh reality which one cannot forget.

I look back & I find myself in my college… being independent, metro/car rides, coffee with friends, outing with groups, seminars, politics, event proposals & I can go on & on. Even in those days we could not sleep at night…. Exams, presentations, cell phone and Orkut/Facebook

But now… car drive to office is more of a pain, coffee we still have but while discussing our targets… outings we still have, but to our clients place… Politics is still there, but in a more unhealthy way, & finally we still can’t sleep at night, because of worries in life…..

I look back & I find myself all decked up, for my cousin’s wedding. Marriages are sooooo much fun. New clothes, accessories, music, laughter, dancing, festivity and what not…. Family get togethers, wishes being shared, dancing in the baraat & then complaining of being so occupied, through the entire ceremony that we could’nt even check out the menu L

And today, I am again decked up….. not for anyone else’s ceremony but my own. Clothes, accessories, music, festivity, dancing & all of it…. And my countdown in my very own house. I look around & realize that probably after few months, this is the place I would have to leave, my mum wont be the first person I see in the morning, my sister wont be there to irritate me and my father not there to handle my tantrums….. This ALL to be replaced by that one guy, who will come & change my life forever. Any life will be different…. Very different……..

As I said, years just fly by…. Memories remain & so their evidences….. I look back and find myself reading Sweet Valley Twins…. And now I write this………..Life moves constantly, & by the time you finish reading this, my life would have moved on & so has yours…. But once in a while, its good to stop & look back J

SHADES OF FEAR

I ponder on the origin of fear,
And reasons they don't come so clear, till I study them from nascent stage, our life the journey that it takes.

At birth the baby knows no fear,
Cuddled and bundled so cute so dear,
The child just enjoys the fun,
Kicking and basking in the sun,
For them there if any it be,
Is the loss of kin and family.

Adoloscence, a flower ready to blossom,
So exciting such a flirtatious time so awesome,
Exploring and extending their boundaries they grow,
Nothing is ever enough they want more,
Fear if any is the acceptence of peers and friends,
And the loss of kin and family their means to the ends.

Youth the confident step into individuality,
And of coming face to face with lifes harsh reality,
Convocation, interviews, jobs, targets and more,
And then to find time for one they luv to the core,
Courtship, marriage, honey moon a family begun,
Working hours grow more fewer for family and fun,
They fear not the hard life and work till they are sore,
Its the security of the family that they want more.

Mid-life, the Coming of age of life's trek one trailed,
With all the experiernce, some succeded some failed,
Business barons, successful professional or whatever they be,
Sky is the limit that's the target they see,
The Child now an adolesent and soon to be a youth,
These proud parents now more friends they nurture the youth,
The driving force for their relentless chase,
To fullfill the family's need, their mirage, the haze,
Now seldom do they find the time,
To sit with the family and unwind,
They fear not are dauntless to any task ensigned,
They fear only if provided enough for the family if left behind.

Old age and lifes journey it culminates,
Health concerns and reminenscing it initiates,
They see the road they travelled and their life they guage,
They see the missed opportunities with the family at every stage,
The youth now married and similarly behaves,
They want so much to stop him from the same mistakes,
But unforgiving is life and now even though the family he longs,
They are all scattered in their pursuits like the proverbial song,
There is no wish no longing no promises left,
Only a fear will they be alone in their death.

THE FOUNTAINHEAD & ME

Months ago, I came across this guy who entered into my life like no lightening. But like a wanderer who according to me had lost the purpose of his journey. But as the time passed, I realized that he is no wanderer, in fact he is someone who has come into my life with a reason (which I’ll mention later). As we guys started interacting, we took a look into each other’s personal lives, & as unintentionally it happens, we tend to give advices to others, that’s what we also did.

Apparently he made a statement to me those days, after reading my blog that “u need to find a place for yourself in your life. You can’t let it go like the way others want it, keeping others happy might not ALWAYS keep you happy”. I had my justifications ready even that time, that for me, keeping others happy is more important. I have my individuality, no doubt, but it becomes secondary when I think of my close ones.

Eventually the discussion ended there. He advised me to take a break from my favorite Danielle Steel & give ‘THE FOUNTAINHEAD’ a try. After his immense persuasion, I finally started reading the book. Though I should mention at this point only that I have read just half of the book & my beliefs are subject to change like any other normal human’s would. And as I always said to myself, that I am happy being a learner all through my life.

I won’t spend time in penning down what the novel ‘THE FOUNTAINHEAD’ is all about, everyone can google that. What I want to write about is what this half read book did to me………

I have always seen myself as a vulnerable, adaptive girl who initially lacked self confidence but because of my friends, I gained some of it. I thought my life is perfect, I am good, I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, I have nothing to change. What I had forgotten amidst all this was ‘WHERE IS MY OWN SELF?’…. I was living to keep others happy in little ways I could, suppressing my desires. Well fountainhead wont restrain me from doing the same even now, but what it did was, re – instilled the belief I had in myself. It made me realize that there’s a distinct ME which has to be protected & nurtured. I am a human, not a saint. At a point I would break free.

And so I would want to redefine the beliefs I always held….

The most pressing issue at the moment – My Career, My Job. I have seen myself & my friends breaking up at numerous occasions about why we can’t find a job, when we are no less qualified? Job is a NEED for us now, like food, safety, shelter is. It’s a need that would help us achieve recognition; to ourselves, & in front of others… Such a twisted soul I am, I beg to differ NOW. I have never enjoyed things that come handy to me. My most cherished things are the ones for which I have put efforts which I could not imagine myself putting. A shirt I bought for my friend, for which I had to cut/slash/kill my expenses is more precious to me than the expensive cell phone I asked from my father & which he gave so easily. And so this struggle for job is something I am beginning to enjoy because it is making me do things, making me put efforts which I had never thought off. In future, I neither want to be a successful analyst, nor an investment banker; my soul aim lies in learning the best from what I am doing. At the end of the day & at the end of my life, I do not want to know the financial markets better, but I want to know myself & this life better. But as I mentioned before, JOB is a NEED at the moment, & it requires struggle, so be it… What enjoyment can one derive out of life is everything is already served to him so beautifully??? Dude Neha, FIGHT, SNATCH & MAKE IT YOURS, MY HAPPINESS LIES THEIR…..

Secondly, my mum always asks me, that Neha, go to the temple on occasions, be religious, but I never hear her. I go whenever I want to go, I go when ever my soul is lost & I can’t find answers within, I go whenever I have to thank him. For me, God has never resided in temple, he resides in me, somewhere within everyone (I am sounding like a saint, but who cares? This is what I feel, & that is exactly what I write). My soul always guides me right, always tells me where I am wrong. I visit temple not to look at the idol, but to re instill my belief that my soul has a face; & probably that is what I see in God. I don’t need to pray to Lord Ram every morning, what I need is give myself time off from everyone else & listen what my soul says.

Thirdly, the belief that I hold in myself does not need any acknowledgement from society at large; but from a few who can see through me; who can read me. I might not show myself to thousands but there are a few who know me like the back of their hand, & I know they will be the ones standing by me, without even my saying. The values I hold, my bizarre beliefs might astonish many; many might want to change me & yes, there would come a time when I will compromise… Not on my beliefs, but on situations, for people. After all one’s soul cannot live in seclude. It lives with others, watches them, analyse them, tell whom to go with & with whom not. Just like a parent would sacrifice his wishes to give his child everything, my soul would ask me to sacrifice my wish or two to keep someone else happy. Does that mean I sacrifice my beliefs??? Never…. It would just prove that the beliefs are strong enough to give someone else a space…….

Last but definitely not unimportant, I do not know how The Fountainhead would change me in future, I do not see myself becoming a saint or a perfectionist; I might just laugh at this piece of my writing in future… but this all is ME, what I have been writing, what I NOW write…Shows the transition within me as my life goes. I do not write for gaining popularity, nor to publicize my opinions. I write when I want to, when I feel like. I do not care how many read this, but if someone does, I hope you extract something positive out of it J

Finally the man who introduced me to the book & to this transition within myself, THANKS A LOT…. For him I do not need to write a single word because he knows it all & he will know it more when he reads this entire writing. Ayn Rand was an amazing author who wrote this novel, & you are an amazing person who saw me & gave this gift to me. I owe you a lot….. He once said in beginning that ‘some read The Fountainhead just as any other novel, while some gain something out of it’…. Well….. Ur Mission Accomplished J

THE CRUEL ME??? OR HE???

The period of life, a testing time

All that he worked for was falling around him, the vultures encircling and crowding around him.
A piece of land, a few pennies or more, scavengers collecting and wanting more.
Stop your cruelty he beseeched them, holding them responsible for the mayhem.
As time went by, the atrocities they grew, he also found his options to be few.
He screamed and cried at fate's cruel hands, that took from him his peace and land.
The more he cried the more unforgiving he got, and hurt those who were his kindered lot.
But what got him here he never dwelt, but blamed fate for the hand so unfairly dealt.
Why did it have to be me, wasn't my good nature for all to see?
Was my effort ever in doubt, was I not available at every call and shout?
Did I not do all that was required of me, even at the peril of my family and me?
Have I hitherto questioned why, coz for me it was always ‘I have to do it or die’

He asked for answers where there were none, until he critically examined his actions done.

Was this then my mistake, to do all it takes,
Without regard to the consequence, my steps to others make?
My singular selfish deeds that I condone myself for,
Were they ever with a thought for those I called on for?
That I did all I did without any remorse, and created a problem for most of my resource.
Who then is cruel knowth HE.... ITS HIM WHO TAKEth AND STILL AT TIMES SMILES WITH GLEE

THE SWEET TRANSITION

I often contemplate that life has come a long way & still has a long way to go. But at present, I can't help ignoring my inner voice, that smiles at me often & says ' Neha, you have finally become a girl'...Strange as it may sound. Yes, at the age of 22, I think I am finally no more a child but a girl in real sense. I don't even remember when my thoughts shifted from chocolates - toys - studies - dresses to friends - career - lover & parents.

I sometimes wonder if boys think so much? But atleast I know that somewhere every girl thinks that when did such a huge transition come in their lives. It was only yesterday when all I thought about was studies, homework, exams, gossips, crushes & what not. How come now they have been replaced by EXPECTATIONS? Expectations of our parents from my life, from my future decisions; expectations of my boyfriend, how he wants my support at every step in life... And expectations from my own self, how my life is, & how I want it to be. Expectations have always been there at every point in life but I think they are at the forefront now.

To be very frank, a girl comparatively matures faster than boys. Because not only she has to take care of her own self but also several other things & people around her. Biggest of them being Parents. A boy can be a child his entire life but a girl has to grow up at some time or the other. At the end she has to take care of the fact that every decision of hers is in accordance to what her parents think. There comes a time when she leaves her parents & moves forward to build an entire new family around her. And if something goes wrong, it has its own implications (Blahh Bla blaaaa)

Phew, how come I never thought about this earlier & now my mind is most of the time occupied with this. Thinking about others first & then about yourself. I am sure after 2 years, I will be thinking about something else as at some point a girl would transit itself into a women.

I so wish that in this journey I fulfil everyone's expectations & keep my place high in my own eyes. Let's see what life has more to teach (*wink*wink*) :)

L.O.V.E

This is how much I love writing…. Writing here after months…. Moody Me

And thanks to me sitting all idle these days that I am getting these random thoughts in my mind which I at times impersonate in my words. And mostly, all my posts centre around just one thought L.O.V.E….

No matter how much people say that ‘besides love’ there are other important things in life but at the centre and the destination of the journey is ALWAYS love. Be it for oneself or for others.

I consider myself really lucky that my life is awarded with every form of love that a person needs. Love from family, partner, friends and the most important ‘My God’.

LOVE – a word so important, and still ridiculed. Once a friend told me ‘In love, you can change yourself. It holds the power to make you just do anything’. So true… And if this one thing is so strong enough to change oneself, how come is it a mere mockery to some? Be it for parents, or for your partner……. I fail to understand the idea behind sending your parents to old age homes and having numerous websites dedicated to ‘hatred quotes for your partner’………

Such random wannabe losers degrade the basic human values we are endowed with.

And so if I extend my thinking about these stupid losers, all what I can think of is that they are missing the essence of life. Maybe they have never felt the excitement, anxiousness and happiness that one feels within. Nor have they known the joy of making someone feel special and loved. I fail to understand if life exists in such darkness.

If I look back at all my years gone by, I see myself breaking up and standing up at occasions, but at the end, the only consistent thing in my life was that I was blessed with love. And in future also, things would come and shatter you, but if one introspects, love always envelope people in some form or the other.

I guess it’s the most benevolent feeling or word or whatever. People buffoon it, but still it never leaves their side. And a step higher, if this thought is even taken spiritually, I feel some people are not blessed enough to love. Maybe not even deserving…..If u cannot love your parents, if you cannot love that one person who stands by you in all thick and thin, u no more than a failure in itself ….. Such a waste of life……..

I do not have any idea why have I written this, but seeing people so allergic to love and inconsiderate to their near ones could not stop from me from scribbling down these thoughts. I am grateful to God for giving me such wonderful people in my life who love me madly and because of whom I am whatever I am today. I am soooooo vella and frustrated and irritated at times but my life is fun… Because its filled with L.O.V.E J